I’ve been writing here as Atlimbo since 2009. I had been through a rough 2008 and in the new year I needed a hobby – thus atlimbo.com was born and I began chronicling my interests and evolutions. I started the site on a whim, as a wordpress blog with the advice of some musician friends and quickly found my niche. I covered the DC music scene as a music scene outsider. I covered dating in the music scene, as I dipped my heartbroken and burnt toes back into the pool. I explored what it meant to be 24 and single and scared and brave and I like to think atlimbo.com gave me a home for all of that. 2009 gave me courage and independence and I entered 2010 with the best attitude I think I’ve ever had about anything in my life. I felt I was ready to take on the world, and in a way, I did.

In 2010 I left the safety and security of the job that had been my life, to run a risky campaign on behalf of a friend. I wouldn’t change that experience, or my decision to do it, for anything in the world, for it was the campaign that pushed me to the ultimate truth: it was time to leave DC. I had been there, sheltered and shattered so many times, by it’s white columned buildings and green Mall for many years. But it was time, Limbo was knocking, and I needed to embrace it fully. What followed was ten months of cocktail waitressing, barista-ing, road trips, and relaxation. I tried to simply not think, and I rang in 2011 at a friend’s apartment in the middle of nowhere, in Southern Virginia.

And then we hit 2011. And it’s been one hell of a year. In some ways I’m so incredibly grateful for everything I’ve dealt with this year – I am in one of the world’s most amazing cities, I am with the love of my life, I have a job that may not last but is so much of what I want my career to be, I finally found a hair color I really adore – and in someways I’m very ready for the new start of 2012 – very difficult goodbyes, a 600+ mile move, 6 months of unstable temping gigs, living in a freezing, and moldy basement for two months with friends because the price tag fit to name a few of the reasons.

Mostly, I’m feeling tired of 2011. I will forever look at 2011 as a year I took a big leap of faith and it was entirely worth it. I didn’t know what moving to Boston would hold for me. I knew two people in the city (one from high school & one from college), I had no job prospects, no school waiting for me, I had a couple bags of clothes and an air mattress that a friend in Virginia bought me. I put on a brave face and thanked my parents profusely for taking the long drive with me. But I was terrified. I had never done this before. I’m someone who’s leaped off cliffs, charmed powerful & beautiful people, someone who’s taken on much bigger challenges without the bat of an eyelash.

But this… This was faith of a kind I’d never known. This was faith in my ability to persevere, faith in my ability to take the worst that might get thrown at me and make the best of it, faith in… In myself. Transitioning to life in Boston – living with a man I’ve loved for years but a man I haven’t even been in the same state as for five years, traversing new political waters and job hunting – was difficult, it’s been rough, actually, but I love it. I love it here. I’m grateful to have met the people that make up my every day now. I’m grateful to have rekindled old friendships and that despite years of distance and difference, Piece let me into his life without hesitation. We celebrated nine months just last week.

I feel like the last couple of years have been one big transition for me, actually. And 2012 opens up to the next step – the settling in, the working my ass off, the creating, the brilliance, the brightness, and the beauty of this life that I’ve built for myself. It’s almost like my letter to 2010: “I will not let my determination falter, my hope be extinguished, or my faith waiver.”

I’m ready for whatever next steps I may have in front of me. I’m confident that this is what 2011 gave me, the chance to take a big deep breath before heading through Limbo’s exit and into that Real Life that’s been so illusive for so long. I can’t wait.

↳ I cannot help but hit up tumblr when I’m feeling emo (and no, I’m not secretly fifteen years old). Something about being curled up cozy, checking out awesome homemade art and fell0w Harry Potter obsessed crazies just cheers me up. And if that doesn’t work? I can always take my mind off the SAD by practicing some graphic design of my own. Also, reading celeb sighting sites (Just Jared and GoFugYourself being my favorites) or advice columns (you should all be reading Dear Wendy, she’s brilliant and fun).

↳ It sounds silly, but spending a rainy afternoon watching Family Guy/Archer/The Simpsons/Bob’s Burgers/American Dad (so many silly-fantastic cartoons out there these days!) re-runs always does the trick. Hulu is a beautiful thing. If cartoons aren’t your thing, youtube some =3 or old school Steve Martin stand up.

↳ Putting my favorite Broadway/show-tunes on, loud, and dancing around our bedroom singing along. Uh, yeah. This. (You can’t be in a bad mood singing La Vie Boheme or You Gotta Get a Gimmick).

↳ Going for a run. Or, if I’m at work, I hit one of the back stairwells and run up and down a few flights of stairs. It gets my blood pumping, warms me up (I’m a cold person, nearly always), wakes me up, and gets me out of my desk chair for a few minutes!

↳ Call a long distance friend. Someone you have hilarious inside jokes with and haven’t seen in months (someone who’s voice makes you grin, because it’s not the same via facebook!). Get some belly-holding, rolling on the floor laughing in rehashing ridiculous nights out, catching up on the insanity of your current lives, and remind yourself that there are people out there who love you, and whom you love. I can’t imagine feeling blue when that’s at the forefront of my mind.

Tell me: What do you do to BATTLE THE SAD?

This morning in my Trove email was a link to AZSpot’s post about what blogging is to him. I thought I’d give it a go, too. Let’s have at it: why do you blog? Why do you read blogs? What are you favorite blogs and why? I love going straight to a site (I’m a typography and coding dork deep down) and have never been able to get into a reader (what else are bookmarks for, right?) – what about you? Do you use an RSS feed? An e-reader with wifi? How do you read blogs? Why do you love them? (And is anyone out there still using Trove?)

For me… Blogging is connection. Blogging is keeping up with friends, family, favorite authors, and fun celebrities. Blogging is organized thought. Blogging is artistic and emotional release. Blogging is challenging. Blogging is design and coding bliss. Blogging is practicing my crafts (journalism, design, photography, prose and poetry) as often and openly as possible. Blogging is asking tough questions. Blogging is participation. Blogging is exploration. Blogging is new technology and happy hours. Blogging is getting to know a city and a community. Blogging is thinking about complex topics, personal growth, and totally rad pop culture. Blogging is gabbing away with you all.
Blogging is fun! What is it for you…?

I’ve been spending a lot of time on random graphic design projects, having joined an online art challenge community on Livejournal (yes, there are still those of us out there who LJ, millions as a matter of fact). This, though, has forced to me to practice on the regular, moving around within my comfort zone and pushing myself beyond its limits. It’s felt wonderful. I’m also challenging myself intellectually, having signed up for a graduate level open course at Northeastern for this fall. For the first time in years I’ll be engaged in an academic environment, discussing the role of government in the 21st Century with experts, practitioners, and other students. I truly cannot wait. To prepare myself, I’ve tackled some of that reading list I built last month, and have taken part in a massive The West Wing marathon with my boyfriend for the last two weeks (we’re on the third season already).

I’ve been in search of new music that might tickle my fancy, nostalgic for 90′s pop-rock and foot-stomping country-western. I’ve been keeping in touch with friends and letting myself sleep in on the weekends. I’ve been karaoke-ing.

I think taking stock like this, every so often, is important. It allows you a moment to see where you are, where you want to go, and how you hope to get there. It gives you the energy and the ability to maybe help others on their paths, as well. So tell me, it’s Monday morning – what are your outrageous dreams for this week? Your moderate goals? What do you hope to have accomplished even by the end of the day? And can I help?

When I was born, my father wanted to name me Mercerdes. Despite the awesome power of the name (and the car, naturally), I cannot picture myself being called Mercedes. What would my nickname be? Mere? Desi? I don’t seem like a Desi, I don’t think. Then again, I’ve never seen myself much as a Tina-Marie, either (my mother won the ‘naming the daughter’ debate and I was named for a dear friend of hers, hyphen and all, sans middle name).

I spent 13 years as a student and teacher at a dance academy. I’ve studied so many forms of dance, I’ve probably forgotten a few. My specialty (and what I taught to the little kids’ classes) was tap (Broadway, to be specific). I also studied ballet through advanced (pointe), choreography in ‘hip hop’, jazz, and modern styles, and musical theater. I was also a gymnast and Varsity cheerleader in high school.

I don’t like Shakespeare’s romances. I’m not going to fall for it if you’re quoting Romeo & Juliet, despite the title of this post. Quote Henry V‘s St. Crispen’s Day speech, then maybe we’ll talk.

I’m obsessed with history: American, personal, religious, fictional, it doesn’t matter. I can sit around arguing dates and facts with my father for literally hours. I will never tire of reading my own old diaries and journals and middle school class notes. My life has been one religious contradiction after another and I love studying how all of those forces came to be. And re-imagined history is absolutely one of my favorite genres of literature (Philip Roth’s Plot Against America is my favorite example).

If I could go back and do college again, I’d take a second major and get a second BA in environmental sciences rather than graduate early (possibly having to graduate late!). I’d keep my Poli Sci major and my American Literature minor. I have learned more about myself in the six years since I graduated than I ever knew before or during college. I have seen changes in myself – some for the better, some unfortunately for the worse – but this is one of the greatest. I never imagined life outside of policy and campaigning. Suitcase living, mobile offices, twenty hour car trips – these were what I wanted for my norm. As I’ve grown I’ve found there is more that I want, and a background in sciences, green technology, and immediate global climate issues would have been a great start.

Those of you who have been reading The Luckiest/Atlimbo for a while may remember my rock and roll infatuation with a fauxhawk, pictured above.

Today, I went back to my roots, nearly literally.

I’m inspired to show you this, my favorite of hair cuts, by a meme seemingly making the rounds of person blogs. The meme is something along the lines of “What I Wish You Knew About Me” and I’ve seen examples here, here, and here among others. So, here we go, after the cut: what I wish you knew about me.I have food issues at times. (Specifically – issues convincing myself I need food). I’ve always been hesitant to admit this, not only for the embarrassment that such confidence issues can bring on an otherwise self-posessed and strong woman, but also for the fact that I don’t really feel they’ve ever been all that bad. I’m certainly not going to lay claim to full blown disorders or psychological issues concerning eating, but there’s always been a smaller issue hanging out in the back of mind (or stomach), either way. It’s never been intentional and never taken a toll too drastic to reverse without some introspection and diet detailing, but it’s something about me most people don’t know.

I have terrible taste in music. This really isn’t objective, it’s also not self-depricating. We all know terrible music when we hear it – Miley Cyrus, Rhianna, the Jonas Brothers, & Ke$ha come to mind. These are a few of my favorite (musical) things. I don’t care that they are corporate entities cultivated since birth (most of them), I don’t care that they can’t carry a tune with a bucket and have probably never written their own stuff – I absolutely cannot get enough and will boogey down absolutely no matter where/under what circumstances I hear them.

I consider myself more of a Southern than a New Englander. Despite my 17 years being raised in Maine, my family’s deep history in Dorchester/Boston, and my admiration for rocky beaches – I have always identified personally more with Southern style/tastes/philosophies than I have with the North. I miss the heat, the beaches, the twang, the food, the music (country music For The Win. Always.). I miss BBQ culture and seersucker, Carribbean influences, garden estates, Spanish. The laid back, friendly atmosphere than envelopes everything and, yes, the politics of it all. To my ear I slip into a Southern accent (despite never having had one) when I get really sleepy and warmth, but then again, that could just be in my dreams.

I was a serious Pro-Lifer until college. And even into college. My freshman year I marched in annual March for Life on The Mall, to protest Roe v. Wade, I volunteered exclusively with pro-life candidates, and considered myself a life-long member of the social/Christian Right. As I got further into my Political Science degree and my academics focused more narrowly on gender issues, my opinions changed and I’ve been a die-hard Pro-Choicer since Sophomore year.

I am a lapsed Catholic/Baptist/Congregationalist/World Assemblies of God Fellowship Member. Notice I dont’ say lapsed Christian. I believe completely in the Christian God but have always had a hard time sticking to any one organized religion. I’ve spent the most time with Catholicism, being raised as such; read the Bible for the first time in High School with a Baptist church; and was Baptised my freshman year of college by the Assemblies of God group Chi Alpha in our university swimming pool.

I am a strong believer in Humanism, the god Bacchus, and Bokononism, despite their contradictions with Christianity.

No matter how many times I argue about the compliment, I love the color of my eyes. Look at that freaking picture up there! That is how blue my eyes actually are. It’s creepy in what I love to think is an awesome way. I grew up calling it “blueberry blue” and one of the easiest ways to get a smile out of me is to compliment them, even if I hate when that sort of thing is used as a pick up line. The color of my eyes is also one of my absolute most favorite inside jokes with my Boyfriend, so even more reason to celebrate them!

I am Bipolar and prone to panic attackes with Obsessive Compulsive tendencies. I’ve known this for years, I’ve been through lots of different sorts of treatment, and I’ve written about it before.

When I get into a zone, I tend to create an obsessive soundtrack in my head to go along with it, and tend to broadcast said soundtrack via not-so-witty hashtags on Twitter. My favorite of these is easily #MumfordEverydayoftheweek. Usually Mondays or Fridays. There’s something about Mumford & Sons’ music that centers me, inspires me, and challenges me. I like all of those activities on Mondays and Fridays. Especially when I’m feeling writer block-y.

I think I’ve even gone so far as to figure out why I might be blocked. I have a hard time doing Happiness and Creativity at the same time. When I get like this, even my old stand bys don’t work for inspiration, so I need to try something new. Thus, I bring you a #MumfordMonday. What do you do when you’re feeling like this? How do you jumpstart your motivation and creativity when you’re feeling – well, feeling too good to tap into those parts of yourself?

“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you’re high it’s tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars….But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against–you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable….It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.” – Kay Redfield Jamison

Last week, when news broke that Catherine Zeta-Jones had sought treatment for Bipolar II Disorder, a dear friend sent me a BBC article before the news had even hit my Twitter feed. It’s not often someone of international prominence comes out and announces that they suffer from a mental illness (perhaps with the exception of addiction). It’s even more rare that someone announces they suffer from a mental illness that I also live with.

While CZJ has been diagnosed Bipolar II, as has 18 year old Disney star Demi Lovato (talk about brave – an 18 year old girl coming out as receiving help for eating disorders, self harm, and Bipolar II, that is some serious courage on her part), I have lived with Bipolar I Disorder* most of my life. Diagnosed with Panic Disorder & Bipolar I as a teenager, I was incredibly proud of both ladies last week for opening up about the disease and, whether they meant to or not, starting a dialog about mental illness. According to WCVB Boston, the condition is underdiagnosed in America, but some celebrities have ‘come out’ over the years to increase awareness:

“…celebrities like Jane Pauley, Carrie Fisher and Linda Hamilton have helped to raise awareness and decrease the stigma. There has been much speculation that actor Charlie Sheen could have the condition.”

So, why is it, that I’ve never spoken about it here at atlimbo? My friends and family have all known for years, I’ve struggled with medications, addictions, relationships, focus – it’s not a very easy secret to keep, and so I just never tried. But to write about it so specifically, so personally, here where everything will live forever in Google cache… It’s daunting. Scary, in a way. I admire these women, I believe that Charlie Sheen desperately needs to see a psychiatrist, I keep up with the news coming out of NAMI and I participate in online communities for people with these illnesses. I’ve been educating myself about BD, schizophrenia, sociopathy, depression, addiction, obsessive compulsive disorder, self-harm, and all manner of other chemical imbalances since I was a kid. And yet, I don’t know how to write about it in any real way. I don’t know how to tell the story of my diagnosis, my trials and errors with medication and other treatments.

I know that in many ways I’m lucky. My family has never been anything but supportive and while Bipolar I has a higher instance of hospitalization and suicide and yet here I am, nearly 27 and I can keep a job, have a conversation with a stranger, keep my own home in order, and I’m slowly but surely learning how to sustain relationships. This last one is my biggest struggle. There are a lot of stories online about failed attempts and outrageous statistics. I’m contemplating therapy in my new hometown and my boyfriend is as supportive and understanding as they come – he’s seen me through many of my phases in the nearly ten years we’ve known each other, and that comes in handy when I don’t know how describe what’s happening in my brain. He knows what I mean without my even having to say it.

But none of this is really getting to the point. Which is this. Why can’t I write about it? Why is the point so damned convoluted for me? I know that the disorder is a chemical imbalance. I know that there are a multitude of causes and the real 100% cause isn’t even known – for now it’s considered a mixture of genetics, chemical flow in the brain, physiology, psychology, stressers… I know all of this. I’m glad to say I don’t buy into the social stigmas attached to the disorder or the idea to simply medicate it away… And yet, I can’t write about it. I can’t tell my story, despite my being proud to trumpet others who have done exactly the same with their own.

* Bipolar I Disorder is considered the more severe of the two including higher, more sustained jaunts of hypomania and a less consistent depressive side – for more information and a general overview of the disorder, click here.

Former senator Alan Simpson (R-Wyo.) didn’t mince words in weighing in on the crop of Republicans mulling presidential campaigns for the next election cycle during an appearance on MSNBC’s “Hardball” on Monday.

When asked for his assessment of the emerging GOP field by anchor Chris Matthews, the co-chair of President Obama’s deficit commission didn’t hold back in criticizing members of his party on social issues.

“Who the hell is for abortion?,” asked Simpson, who has developed a reputation for making blunt and colorful remarks. “I don’t know anybody running around with a sign that says, have an abortion, they’re wonderful. They’re hideous. But they’re a deeply intimate and personal decision, and I don’t think men legislators should even vote on the issue.”

Simpson went on to address the issue of gay rights. “Then you’ve got homosexuality,” he said. “You’ve got ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ We have homophobes in our party. That’s disgusting to me. We’re all human beings. We’re all God’s children. … [Former Pennsylvania senator Rick] Santorum has said some cruel things, cruel, cruel things about homosexuals. Ask him about it. See if he attributes the cruelness of his remarks years ago. Foul.”

Simpson was presumably referring to remarks made by Santorum in 2003 that have already resurfaced in the early stages of the GOP presidential primary campaign. CNN reported at the time on the comments in question: In [an] AP interview, Santorum criticized homosexuality as he discussed a pending Supreme Court case over a sodomy law in Texas.

“If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual (gay) sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything,” Santorum said in the AP interview.

“That’s the kind of guys that are going to be on my ticket, you know, makes you sort out hard what Reagan said, you know, ‘stick with your folks,’” explained Simpson to Matthews. “But I’m not sticking with people who are homophobic, anti-women, you know, moral values while you’re diddling your secretary while you’re giving a speech on moral values. Come on. Get off of it.”

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is one Republican who Simpson praised in the context of the conversation that began on the topic of the 2012 presidential election. He called the governor “quite awesome.”